The “wicked” and “evil” stepmothers in the Cinderella and Snow White fairy tales have long instilled fear in children that their lives will be made miserable by a parent’s new partner. Even more lighthearted fare, such as The Parent Trap and The Brady Bunch, include a level of dread related to stepfamilies.
While stepfamilies are a growing norm, the etymological roots of “step” cast some light on why many modern families prefer to use another option.
The Orphan
In Old English, steop meant “bereave,” and that word transitioned into the prefix “step.” In the Old English sense, a “stepchild” was an orphan, someone who had lost a parent (not necessarily both) and was experiencing bereavement. A “stepfather” or “stepmother” was therefore someone who became a surrogate parent to an orphaned child through remarriage. This notion of grief is bolstered by a sense of hardship in Latin, in which the word for “stepson” (privignus) is closely related to the word for “deprived” (privus).
Today, the word has much broader usage and application to stepfamilies made from a variety of sources, including divorce, remarriage, partnership, adoption, fostering, and chosen families. The terminology is evolving away from the concept of loss and starting to better reflect the fact that for many, a stepfamily is more about what is gained.
Bonus Family
“Bonus” is the new “step” — bonus mother, bonus father, bonus siblings, bonus family. It is the preferred term for many with non-biological family members to represent the joy and beauty of “something extra” without taking away the meaning, importance, or memory of their biological family or family of origin.
Claire Gillespie, a self-described bonus mom, wrote for Parents.com that the term “step” never sat well with her, but it felt especially wrong when a new baby came into the family. “I decided it was time for ‘step’ to step aside. Initially, I experimented with ‘blended family’ — better, but still not quite right (too much like a caffeinated beverage, maybe?).” She came across the Swedish dramedy Bonus Family (available to stream on Netflix), and said, “The chord was struck. That’s what we are.”
“Bonus” has even received royal approval. Princess Beatrice used the term to describe her bonus son after marrying Edoardo Mapelli Mozzi in 2020, and Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bündchen mentioned in a live Instagram Q&A that she also prefers the term for her bonus child (with now-ex-spouse Tom Brady).
One Size Does Not Fit All
For some families, neither “step” nor “bonus” may sit right. They may come up with their own variation, whether that’s using the word for “mother” in another language, calling a bonus parent by their first name, or something even more personal. It is always best to simply ask what term someone prefers and make sure to use it in the future.
Featured image credit: Solovyova/ iStock